What to Say?
This was the question posed to me yesterday morning in a phone call. What do you say in a situation where a loved one has died and there's no strong indication that this person was a Christian? How, as a Christian, do you attempt to speak and comfort the rest of the family that may consist of both Christians and non-believers?
That's a hard question. A painful one. As Christians, few things are more terrible than the idea that someone dies without faith in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. That relationship is what we turn to as we mourn the loss of a loved one. It softens the loss for those who survive the deceased. But if that relationship is not certain, it's hard. And if it's more than simple doubt, but either a professed or implied rejection of Jesus Christ that the person lived their life in, how much harder still.
What can or should we say in these situations? I think it's important to focus on not saying more than we are called to say, which is exactly the opposite of what we're inclined to do for the sake of providing that comfort to one another. Trying to say too much ends up being dishonest in several different ways. So we say what we can, and place our attention where it needs to be in such a situation - on our condition of faith and the conditions of those others who may be more open during this time of loss to hearing the Gospel.
First off, we don't try to pretend that the deceased was a faithful Christian if they did not give obvious signs of it. If they never went to church, never talked about Jesus Christ in any positive way, or if they were openly antagonistic to the faith, now is not the time to try and rehabilitate their image. Doing so is dishonest to them. And those who knew them best will know your efforts to be dishonest and will find it offensive more than comforting. It's important to also extend this honesty to any pastor or other religious representative who might be asked to conduct services for the deceased. Claiming to a pastor that Uncle Lewis was a devout believer, when in fact Uncle Lewis spent most of his life bad-mouthing Jesus and the church places the pastor in a terrible situation. If they don't have any information to the contrary, imagine their shock if they speak about the deceased's faith to a gathering of friends and relatives who know the truth! Trying to make the deceased into a Christian without any external indications of it is never a good move.
This doesn't mean that you may not have had some meaningful conversations with the deceased over the years where they did privately share their faith in Jesus Christ. Despite not going to Church. Despite not appearing to be actively reading the Bible or in prayer. Those private conversations can be very comforting. But outside of a deathbed public confession of faith, it's still best not to overstate things.
Secondly, we don't consign the deceased to hell as an unbeliever. This is not our job. Scripture is clear that faith in Jesus Christ is the avenue to reconciliation and eternal life with God the Father. But the fact remains that we don't know the condition of the deceased's heart with Jesus (barring some sort of public deathbed proclamation or denial). As such, if the deceased gave no indication of being a Christian, or gave indications of definitely not being a Christian, we should simply pray that in their final moments, like the thief on the cross in Luke 23, they met Jesus, and placed their trust and hope in Him. We can't know that this happened, but we equally can't know that it didn't happen. As such, making statements about Uncle Lewis now being in hell is completely inappropriate and unhelpful in this sort of situation.
So, don't say more than you can in this situation. Don't pretend the deceased was a Christian when making such a claim would seem to contradict collective evidence to the contrary (or at the very least lack of supporting evidence). Don't assume the deceased is destined for eternal separation from God, since there's no way you can know that for certain. In fact we should pray that the contrary is the case!
What we should be saying in this situation has less to do with the deceased than with those who survive them. We can't improve the situation of the deceased, once they are deceased. Speculation and prayer and any number of other efforts do not have any sort of impact that we have been given Scriptural support for. We commend the deceased to God's hands and pray for His mercy.
But to the living, we have a lot to say, still. Are there members of the family or family friends who have not accepted Jesus Christ? Now might be an opportunity to talk about the hope that you have in Jesus Christ, what He has done for you that you do not fear your death inordinately. Soliciting testimonies from Christian friends and family in this time is also helpful. Recognizing that as Christians we are to approach death as the final, awful struggle of this world - but not the end of our lives. Be able and willing to share passages from Scripture that give you hope as you look forward to the reality that one day it will be you that others are gathered to mourn. Make sure that people are very clear on where your faith and hope is placed, and in whom. Use this as a time to teach children about the importance of our faith in Christ, that we need not fear death. Likewise, be honest with them using the above guidelines if they ask whether Uncle Lewis is with Jesus or not. The short answer is, we don't know, but we pray so. That's all most younger kids need to know. Older kids may desire further conversation on why you say this, as opposed to one of the two other possible statements I advised against above.
Finally, resolve in the midst of this situation to broach the subject with friends or family members, anyone you know who seems wishy-washy or even adverse to the Christian faith. Take the time to ask them why, and to pray for the Holy Spirit's guidance and wisdom in talking to them, and for their openness to hear what you have to say. Most of us personally know and care for at least one person who is not a Christian. What a compelling impetus to broach the subject with them - even if you've tried before. Better to risk sounding like a broken record, than have to deal with the sorrow and guilt as you stand at their graveside.
Oh yes, that's one other important note. Guilt. You knew Uncle Lewis all your life. Loved him. Cared for him. Joked with him and ate pistachios with him. You should have led him to Jesus, right? You should have accomplished that. And since it appears you didn't, now you suffer intense guilt.
Don't do this. First off, remember that the Holy Spirit works through us - and we place every encounter, ever chance conversation, every opportunity we are given to speak of our faith in the Holy Spirit's hands. We are called to share the Gospel. We are not held to account for whether the other person accepts it or not. Don't take the guilt upon yourself - it's not a load you were intended to carry. Perhaps you feel as though you should have been more direct, forced the conversation in that direction more often. Be that as it may, you cannot change it now. All you can do is pray for the strength and courage and opportunity to be more intentional with the people who remain in your life that don't appear to be Christian. In love. Sensitively. But intentionally all the same. Receive the forgiveness of God if you are so racked with guilt about your lack of evangelism with Uncle Lewis. Jesus died for this guilt as well - accept His forgiveness and move on.
This is just a rough thumbnail sketch - intended as much for discussion generation as anything. I'd be interested to hear your alternative suggestions, or things that I haven't covered here!
I used to argue with my dad regarding the Bible, his life wasn't easy in the family home regarding religion. We never really had a lengthy discussion, because I hated the arguments. He then got Alzheimer's. His last days he was seen carrying around a Bible. I would have no idea on his final end. Where his is? My brother asks. I can only reply only God knows. It is hard not to feel guilt. Does one keep praying over this?? I tend to push it away, then you write a blog, and it's ouch again!!
Reply to this
I know more than a few folks who either have dealt with this issue, are dealing with it now, or face the very real prospect of dealing with it in the future. The ouch comes either way, so I figure why not put it out there for people to think and pray through?
Reply to this